Thoughts on the Breaths You Take

Content Warning: Stalking and Interpersonal Violence

Every year, as a volunteer for a dual domestic violence and sexual assault agency, I complete additional “continuing education” to ensure I am continually developing my skills in trauma-informed care, inclusive advocacy, and various forms of interpersonal violence the agency addresses (particularly domestic and dating violence, sexual violence, stalking, and human trafficking). Because I also research these topics and teach courses related to these topics, I really enjoy the ability to use these trainings to also improve my research and teaching. For example, when I am teaching about human trafficking, I can use information from these trainings in my lectures. When I am teaching about gender or sexuality, I can bring in information on the greater risk of interpersonal violence for women and trans individuals (broadly defined). I’ll often seek out training that addresses an issue I want to be sure to include in my classes and in my research.

This year, I chose several trainings/webinars that addressed stalking. Over the past (almost) 2 decades, this is not the first time I focused on stalking. It’s a prevalent problem on college campuses, and it is often seen as less serious than sexual and domestic/dating violence. Some even see stalking as “romantic.” I know this, and I’ve researched this, so all I was expecting was to learn more information about current laws and about common tactics stalkers use (especially with technology). But, occasionally, even after years of working on a particular issue, you can still have an “Ah Ha” moment, such as the one I had this year.

Whenever I teach about the normalization of interpersonal violence, Sting’s Every Breath You Take comes up. I play a version of the song on YouTube, and we talk about what the song means. Invariably, students often know of it from weddings/proms, and it’s seen as romantic…but it isn’t. Sting has even pointed out it is a dark, obsessive song. It’s not about love; it’s about control and surveillance.

Several years ago, I did a study with college students and community members and asked them their perception of the behavior of a man pursuing a woman. In some cases, he was pursuing her in order to start a relationship; in other cases, he was pursuing her in order to maintain an existing relationship. The gist of the results was that the college students were more accepting of the behaviors when the man was trying to start the relationship; the community members were more accepting of the behaviors when the man was trying to maintain the relationship. The college students, who were mostly (approximately) 20 years old and single, perceived stalking behaviors as acceptable when they were performed to start a relationship. The community members, who were older and more likely to be in a relationship, perceived stalking behaviors as more acceptable when they were performed to maintain a relationship. I explained it at the time as people perceiving stalking behaviors as acceptable when they were motivated by a desire for a relationship that matched the participant’s stage in life. The (mostly) single college students found stalking more acceptable when starting a relationship; the (mostly) older community members in a relationship found stalking more acceptable when maintaining a relationship.

However, maybe because of the attention being paid to Tina Turner and her efforts to escape domestic violence, or maybe because of the attention being paid to the docuseries Shiny, Happy People (more on that another time), or maybe just because it was time for me to have this epiphany, this year’s trainings combined with the previous work to really emphasize the issue of “all is fair in love and war.” Violence, power, and control are so normalized that we compare love to an act of war. A song considered one of the most romantic options is about obsessive surveillance, in other words, about stalking. People believe that stalking behaviors are acceptable when trying to either start or maintain a relationship. We go so far as to say that people who are being stalked by an “admirer” or by a former partner should be flattered to be so wanted…or that it is their fault they are being stalked because they gave their stalker the wrong impression about their level of interest…or both.

Some of this could be blamed on the lack of privacy brought on by a digital generation. Maybe people today just don’t expect to have privacy. Maybe they expect to be surveilled. But the average age of the community members in that study several years ago was 33. They didn’t grow up surrounded by technology or social media. While a decrease in privacy and an increase in the normality of surveillance may play a role in this, there is something more. I haven’t tested this idea, so it is pure speculation, but I believe that one reason stalking is so prevalent, and people being stalked are frequently told they should be flattered is that control and surveillance are actually seen as signs of affection. All is fair in love (and war), after all. We do not recognize stalking for the violence (and lethality threat) that it is. Instead, we see it as “miscommunication” or “bitterness” or “being ungrateful,” because control and surveillance are seen as key components of relationships.

Relationships should not be about power and control. Surveillance is not a sign of affection. Whether you are just starting (or trying to start) a relationship, or working to maintain a relationship of decades, communication, respect, and consent are all vital. Trying to circumvent someone’s autonomy because you want to be in a relationship with them is not flattering, sexy, or sweet. It is a violent act. Love may not have anything to do with your relationship (yet or anymore), but watching every breath someone takes is not the least bit romantic. We need start treating stalking for the violent act it is and take it with the seriousness it requires rather than minimizing or even encouraging it in the name of “love.”