Thoughts on Preserving Voices (Part 1 of 2)

This blog, and the next, is a departure from most of my posts, at least on the surface. I’ve reached an age where, every year, friends and family are passing on and, especially this past year, that has led me to think about how we preserve our voices and share the voices of those who have gone before us.

It may be odd to think of preserving your own voice as being something to do, but it’s simply a way of describing the memories, stories, and things (yes, literal objects) that you leave behind. What stories will your loved ones share? Will they talk about that time you and your friends built a fort tent out of pillows and sheets…that then collapsed on you? (I promise, you built it better the next time.) Will they talk about your love for your family or your faith? What ripples will you leave in the lives of others? What kinds of ripples do you want to leave, and are you living in such a way that you can? (For example, if you want your kids to remember the night you built a fort tent together that then collapsed while you all laughed…well, you have to actually be willing to build the fort tent with your kids, don’t you?) So, one way of preserving your own voice is to think about the “ripples” you want to leave behind and live accordingly. Live your values authentically and that is how you will be remembered. It’s one way to preserve your own voice in people’s memories of you.

The other part, though, comes down to what is really considered estate planning. A lot of people put off estate planning, thinking it is morbid, or they are too young to worry about it, or they don’t have an estate to plan about, or that it is too expensive. (And, some of it can be expensive.) But it’s good to do what you can, when you can, how you can. When you pass on, someone is going to have to make these decisions. Will you be buried or cremated? If you are cremated, what happens to the ashes? What will your obituary say (if you have one)? What will happen to the things you have?

Even those people who think about what happens after death may just assume someone else will make these decisions when it is necessary. However, speaking from experience as a “someone else”, it’s comforting to know what your loved ones wanted to leave behind.

Unfortunately, beyond that, some of us have legal heirs and representatives that can’t or won’t truly represent our voices. When we don’t estate plan, even just in small ways, those people have the final say in these moments and our voices can be lost in the shuffle. The seeds of this post (and part 2) started a year ago when I read an obituary that didn’t represent the man I knew, because it was written by someone who had trouble seeing him for who he became.

Even with the best of intentions, people in grief may not represent you in the way you want, and not all of us have family (the most likely legal heir) with the best of intentions. Although writing down your plans is not always a guarantee they will be followed, it does improve your odds.

So, what can you do, especially if you don’t have a ton of money? Below are some ideas. This is not an exhaustive list, and I am not recommending any particular company, even if I link to their information. (Side note: I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice, and it will not work for everyone. These are just some things to get you started. If you do have a complicated financial life, I hope you are able to save up and see an estate lawyer.)

1. Have you done the five wishes (or your area’s version of that)? The five wishes allows you to indicate what you would like in terms of end of life care. The Five Wishes was developed by an organization in Florida (Aging with Dignity), but is accepted in most states. You can download a copy of the Five Wishes for free from the Hospice of Lenawee. Make sure you keep a signed copy of the Five Wishes, give a copy to the person/people who will assist you, and find out if your medical people want a copy.
2. Create advance directives, which are typically living wills and a health care power of attorney. AARP has created a resource page on free advance directives. Simply select your state from their list to find out more about advance directives (living wills and health care power of attorney forms, primarily). Make sure you keep a signed copy of the advanced directives, give a copy to the person/people who will assist you, and find out if your medical people want a copy.
3. Create a will (this is different from a living will). There are a variety of ways to do this, but you may want to check out FreeWill, which allows you to create a will for free. The wills are free because they partner with charities; many people leave some money to charity, so FreeWill has these partnerships. You do not, however, actually have to leave money to a FreeWill partner charity to use the site. Make sure you keep a signed copy of the will and give a copy to the person/people who will assist you (including the person you name as executor).
4. If the person you would like to be making your end of life decisions is not a legal heir – your spouse, your child, your parent, or your sibling (not necessarily in that order) – be sure to consider the additional complexities that come along with that decision. Although it is focused on unmarried romantic couples, this article from AARP may be helpful in considering your additional needs.
5. You can, by the way, pre-plan (and pay for) your funeral and cremation/burial. This can be worked out with your local funeral home where you would like to be buried (if you will be buried).
6. Talk to the people in your life about what you want at the end of your life. One of the most comprehensive sites to check out about how to have these conversations – and the documents you will need – is The Conversation Project, which has a variety of free and paid resources on how to talk to loved ones about your wishes, as well as documents that you should have. There is even a “What Matters to Me” workbook for people who have serious illnesses.
7. East Carolina University’s Library has a library guide on end-of-life planning. Although some of the information is specific to residents of North Carolina, they have information on death doulas and death cafes, as well as links to resources that are more national, including an end-of-life planning checklist from Ever Days (an insurance agency).
8. Finally, the part of end-of-life planning that really started all of this for me: the obituary. You can write your own obituary, making sure you keep a copy and you give a copy to the person who will be making the plans for your funeral. Then, all that would need to be added to the obituary is your death date (and those who have passed before you, if you include it, may need to be updated). It can be odd to write your own obituary while you are still living, but you may find this article on Writing “The Perfect” Obituary or this article on How to Write an Obituary helpful.

In the end, one way to make sure your voice is preserved in the way you would like is to plan for the end of your life. Live authentically, make memories doing things that you value with friends and family that value you, and prepare as much as possible. Part 2 of this post, though, will focus on how we can share the voices of those who have passed, especially if they were not able to preserve their own voice.